A man’s confession April 18, 2008

The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if he
would hear his confession. The priest assured him that he would,
and the two took up the customary positions on either side of the
divider.

“Well, Father,” began the old man, “At the beginning of World War
II a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her
from the Germans. So I hid her in my attic, and they never found
her.”

“That’s a wonderful thing,” interjected the priest, “But it’s certainly
nothing you need to confess.” “It’s worse, Father,” continued the
elderly fellow, “I was weak and told her that she had to repay me
for hiding in the attic by providing me with sexual favors.”

The priest contemplated this disclosure for a minute and then responded,
“Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a very large risk.
You would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found
you hiding her. I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance
the good and the evil of your acts, and judge you kindly.”

“Thanks, Father,” said the old man. “That’s a load off my mind.
Can I ask another question?”

“Of course, my son,” said the priest.

The old man asked, “Do I have to tell her that the war is over.”

What part of your body April 18, 2008

What part of your body…

The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, “When you die and go to Heaven…which part of  your body goes first?” Suzy raised her hand and said, “I think it’s your hands.” “Why do you think it’s your hands, Suzy?” Suzy replied, “Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first.” “What a wonderful answer!” the nun said. Little Johnny raised his hand and said, “Sister, I think it’s your legs.” The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face.  “Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your legs?” Little Johnny said, “Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy’s bedroom the other night.  Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, “Oh God, I’m coming!” “If Dad hadn’t pinned her down, we’d have lost her.” The Nun fainted.

It’s dark in here April 18, 2008

A HOUSEWIFE TAKES A LOVER DURING THE DAY, WHILE HER HUSBAND IS AT WORK.

UNKNOWN TO HER, HER 9 YEAR OLD SON WAS HIDING IN THE CLOSET. HER HUSBAND CAME HOME UNEXPECTEDLY, SO SHE HID HER LOVER IN THE CLOSET. THE BOY NOW  HAS COMPANY:

       BOY: “IT’S DARK IN HERE.”
       MAN: “YES IT IS.”
       BOY: “I HAVE A BASEBALL.”
       MAN: “THAT’S NICE.”
       BOY: “WANT TO BUY IT?”
       MAN: “NO, THANKS.”
       BOY: “MY DAD’S OUTSIDE.”
       MAN: “OK, HOW MUCH?”
       BOY: “$250.”
       MAN: “FINE.”

IN THE NEXT FEW WEEKS, IT HAPPENS AGAIN THAT THE BOY AND THE MOM’S LOVER ARE IN THE CLOSET TOGETHER.

       BOY: “IT’S DARK IN HERE.”
       MAN: “YES IT IS.”
       BOY: “I HAVE A BASEBALL GLOVE.”
       MAN: “HOW MUCH?”
       BOY: “$750.”
       MAN: “FINE.”

A FEW DAYS LATER, THE FATHER SAYS TO THE BOY, “GRAB YOUR BAT AND YOUR GLOVE. LETS GO OUTSIDE AND PLAY SOME BASEBALL.  THE BOY SAYS, “I CAN’T.  I SOLD THEM.” THE FATHER  ASKS, “HOW MUCH DID YOU SELL THEM FOR?”  THE SON SAYS, “$1,000.”

THE FATHER SAYS, “THAT’S TERRIBLE TO OVERCHARGE YOUR FRIENDS LIKE THAT. THAT IS WAY MORE THAN THOSE TWO THING COST.  I’M GOING TO TAKE YOU TO CHURCH AND MAKE YOU CONFESS.”  

THEY GO TO CHURCH AND THE FATHER ALERTS THE PRIEST, AND MAKES THE LITTLE BOY SITS IN THE CONFESSION BOOTH AND CLOSES THE DOOR.

THE BOYS SAYS: “IT’S DARK IN HERE.”

THE PRIEST SAYS: “DON’T START THAT SHIT AGAIN.”

Car Accident April 18, 2008

I rear ended a car this morning…the driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said “I am NOT Happy!”
So I said, “Well, which one ARE you then?”
That’s how the fight started.

Office Party April 18, 2008

John woke up after the annual office new year party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

‘Louise,’ he moaned, ‘tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?’

‘Even worse,’ she said, her voice oozing scorn. ‘You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face.’

‘He’s an idiot,’ John said. ‘Piss on him.’

‘You did’, came the reply. ‘And he fired you.’

‘Well, screw him!’ said John.

‘I did. You’re back to work on Monday.’

Some funny jokes April 17, 2008

A man was sitting in the bar when he noticed another patron a few stools away. The guy had a body like Charles Atlas, but his head was the size of a thimble. The first man said “Please excuse me for staring, but I cant help but be curious as to why your body is so well developed, but your head is so small?” The man said “buy me a drink and I’ll tell you.” The drink was ordered and the story began. ” I was in the navy and my ship was sunk by a torpedo. I was the only survivor and I managed to make it to a deserted island a few miles away. I had been there for several months and was sitting on the beach one day waiting for a bird or fish to come by so I would have something to eat, looking up I saw a beautiful mermaid sunning on a nearby rock. She swam over to me and informed me that she was a magical mermaid and could grant me three wishes. Great I said. I’d like to be rescued. She slapped the water with her tail and a ship appeared, sailing straight for my island. “Next I asked for a body like Charles Atlas. Another slap of the tail and here it is. Then, noticing how beautiful she was and all my other wishes fulfilled I asked if I could make love to her. She said no it just wouldn’t work her being half fish and all, so I said well, how about a little head then?”

A penguin is driving through Melbourne on a hot summer’s day when he notices his oil light is on. He gets out of the car and, sure enough,it’s leaking oil all over the road. The penguin drives around the corner to a service station and asks the mechanic to take a look at it. The mechanic says he has a few others to look at first but if he comes back in an hour he can tell the penguin what is wrong with his car. The penguin agrees and goes for a walk. He finds an ice cream shop and thinks a big bowl of vanilla ice cream will really hit the spot and since hes a penguin and its Melbourne in the summer, after all. He sits down at the counter and starts in on his ice cream. Of course the poor buggar has no hands so it is rather messy. By the time he is done he has ice cream all over his flippers and his mouth is a total mess. He walks back to the service station and says to the mechanic, “did u find out with is wrong with my car?? The mechanic replies, “it looks like you have blown a seal.?

“no, no,? says the penguin. “its just icecream!”

There was this first grade teacher, it was the first day of school and she was blind folding her students and giving them objects and seeing if they could guess what it was, well there was a little boy named joey, and the teacher gave him a Hersheys kiss, and he didn’t know what it was, so she said unwrap it and taste it…he still didn’t know what it was, so the teacher said I’ll give you a hint, your mommy doesn’t want you to learn about it and your daddy wants it from your mommy every morning before he goes to work…and then a little girl stood up in the back and said “spit it out, it’s a piece of ass!!!!”